Column

Don’t Force Your Kids to Hug Their Relatives Over the Holidays

Teaching children that they have to endure unwanted touching is a mistake

Jessica Valenti
GEN
Published in
4 min readNov 27, 2019

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Illustration: Eliot Wyatt

WWhen my daughter Layla was three years old, a woman in line behind us at the grocery store leaned over and caressed her head and hair, cooing about how cute she was. Layla quickly batted her hand away, and the woman responded with a hurt look and a comment about teaching my daughter better manners.

I responded with the world’s biggest eye roll. Because here’s the thing: I don’t think it was my daughter who was behaving rudely — it was the woman who touched my child without her permission who was out of line.

Now that it’s the holiday season, parents need to channel that “hands off” attitude more than ever.

There’s still a widespread expectation in our culture that adults can touch kids without their consent: pinching their cheeks, tousling their hair, asking for cuddles. But even when the intentions are friendly, teaching children that they have to endure unwanted touching is a mistake.

Around this time every year, a Girl Scouts web page makes the rounds among parents on social media — a reminder not to force girls to hug relatives, even during the holiday season. It’s a good…

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Jessica Valenti
GEN
Writer for

Feminist author & columnist. Native NYer, pasta enthusiast. I write about abortion every day at abortioneveryday.com