I Stayed Up All Night to Watch Korean Baseball Like a Real American
You can’t sleep on KBO if you’re as horny for sports as I have been
Being a sports fan is its own form of voluntary jet lag. I live on the East Coast, so I know all about the NBA, the NFL, and Major League Baseball starting prime-time games too late and deliberately impinging upon my dad hours. On sportsless days, I’m in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10. It keeps me beautiful. When sports are around, I violate that self-imposed curfew, because, like LeBron James, I will die for sports in general, which is neat, because American team owners are about to ask their players to do just that. But there haven’t been any sports around these parts for months now, and thus my sleep schedule has gone uninterrupted for the longest stretch of my middle age…
Until Saturday night.
On Saturday night, I resolved to stay up and watch the LG Twins and NC Dinos go at it in the Korea Baseball Organization. KBO began its season a week ago, with ESPN broadcasting the games live for a nominal rights fee. (The Worldwide Leader demanded the rights for free at first, and the KBO told them to go suck a used Covid mask.) I would watch this game. What’s more, I would watch it while really, really high. After all, I wouldn’t be a real sports fan if I watched a game SOBER. So I grabbed my vape pen, got stoned off my balls, and settled in to wait for the first pitch.
I hate MMA almost as much as I hate mayonnaise, but I gave the UFC undercard on ESPN a shot while I waited.
It would be a long wait. I watched half of Fellowship of the Ring while I waited. I could have watched the rest of it, plus the entirety of The Two Towers, before being in any danger of missing the action. But then I clicked over to ESPN and realized there were also real sports happening HERE in America on this Saturday night. UFC was holding a full card! Live from Jacksonville! Including disgraced former NFL player Greg Hardy! WHAT A TREAT. And the American Cornhole League was on! Yes, cornhole! Here! Fully sanctioned!