Medium Rare

Our Favorite Stories About Weird and Extreme Celebrity Obsessions

In this week’s digest of stories from the Medium universe, celebrity stan culture gets a little out of control

Each week on Medium Rare, I’ll be sharing stories you might have missed that are definitely worth a second look. Got a suggestion for a piece we should feature? Pop it in the responses below!

The first rule of being anointed The Internet’s Boyfriend is to always, always remain charmingly aloof. What, who, me? I never pay attention to what the kids are saying online these days! It’s a schtick Jeff Goldblum has mastered over his decades-long reign as an international sex symbol; for years, he’s humbly claimed to have no idea why young fans call him a “Zaddy.”

After film critic Wesley Morris described Goldblum’s performance in the first two Jurassic Park movies as “self-consciously hot,” writer pete decided to carry out a deeply thorough analysis of the actor’s most iconic scenes. Behold his rankings of Goldblum’s levels of sex-appeal that no shirt can contain.

“For a while Billie Eilish had taken up the Weird Vibe Mantle, what with spiders crawling out of her mouth, and hypodermic needles sticking out her back… Cool, but let’s face it, nobody does gaga like Gaga.”

— “Yay! Lady Gaga Is Weird Again!” by Russ Cooper

According to IMDB, the Belgian martial art beefcake Jean-Claude Van Damme has 73 acting credits to his name, and after scanning his filmography through the early ’90s, I have a Very Important question about his iconic mullet era: Is it possible that in addition to the “business in the front, party in the back” haircut, Van Damme is also rocking a perm?

One asks such questions after seeing Donovan Ray chart the evolution of JCVD’s hairstyles over the years.

Speaking of exceptional hair, I’m sure there wasn’t a strand of Fabio’s perfectly styled mane out of place the day his face bludgeoned a goose to death while he was riding a roller coaster. h/t Mike Toole for unearthing this analog gem and bringing it to the internet, where it belongs.

101 Reasons Why

Jake Kilroy takes celebrity stans to another level by showering actress Sandra Bullock, that badass beauty queen, with 101 compliments. I’m not sure I could come up with as many nice things to say about my own mother, and she’s lovely. Here’s a tasting menu of what Kilroy had to say:

12. Sandra Bullock looks amazing in all colors, but especially any of them…

15. Sandra Bullock survived a freakin’ plane crash. No big deal. Oh wait, YES, IT TOTALLY GODDAMN IS…

27. Sandra Bullock probably thinks nachos are dope…

87. Our darling gal is aging more gracefully than Scottish castles…

93. Sandra Bullock co-wrote the song “Heaven Knocking On My Door,” which she also performed in The Thing Called Love. Add “musician” to this babe’s never-ending list of talents. DO IT. DO IT NOW. GET THE PEN. NO, THE RED ONE. LOVE. REMEMBER IT.

Editor/writer. Words in GEN, The Atlantic, Glamour, The Intercept, MSNBC, NBC News, NYT, Vice, Vox, and more.

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