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If the ’rona didn’t want a roundhouse kick to the face, it should have stayed the eff out of ‘Merica

Listen folks, I’m not here to sugarcoat things. This coronavirus has already robbed many of us of our lives, our jobs, our life savings, and even our baseball. This virus is the enemy. It is its own axis of evil. It has invaded our shores and plundered. It has declared war on every LEGALLY BORN citizen of the United States.

Well guess what, ’rona? You just fucked with the wrong country. Because these colors? They don’t run. Not even on a mask. If it’s war you want, then by God it’s war you’re gonna get. And all of us are…


A menu for the latest chapter of the Trump era

Welcome. With the House set to vote on two articles of impeachment against Donald Trump, we’re finally about to reach intermission of The Impeachment Show. We’ve been streaming constitutional chaos since the inaugural episode. Remember? How can it not end minutes after inauguration, we said, because emoluments? (This show has taught us many new words.) It’s almost over — is everyone else crying? Just me?

There will be a Capitol mess to clean up at the end, I predict a sage bonfire on the mall will open the next season. …


A comical guide to making your rideshare a zen sanctuary

Put your valuable time in a rideshare to good use by practicing mindfulness, simply by disregarding cleanliness, timeliness, strangeness, car-sickness, and consciousness!

Start by settling into the backseat. Let your hands hang loosely by your side, gently placing the palms upward on a surface that has cushioned at least a thousand asses.

Keep your back straight, tilt your head down slightly, and relax your body, forgetting your entire life rests in the hands of an absolute stranger.

To be completely present, turn your phone on silent, and set it down next to the mystery upholstery stain on the middle seat.


Imagining the hard-to-imagine post-Trump future

Donald Trump, Jr. greets his father Donald Trump during the 2016 town hall debate at Washington University.
Donald Trump, Jr. greets his father Donald Trump during the 2016 town hall debate at Washington University.

The Ukraine scandal is metastasizing so quickly that it’s impossible to have a clear sense of where it’s heading.

But there is one potential outcome that we need to take a lot more seriously than we did even a week ago — Trump’s forced resignation at the hands of Mitch McConnell. The chaos that would flow from that outcome would have profound — and possibly hilarious — implications for the future of democracy and the Republican Party.

To begin with, let’s stipulate the most likely facts around a forced Trump resignation (inshallah and knock on wood):

  1. An explosive piece of…


Alright, alright, alright! Not-yet-tenured University of Texas Professor Matthew McConaughey is here to shape young minds, y’all.

The University of Texas announced Wednesday that Matthew McConaughey would be joining the Moody School of Communication as a professor. McConaughey has developed the “Script to Screen” course curriculum all by himself, humbly noting it’s “the class I wish I would have had when I was in film school.”

Script to Screen Course Overview

Studying Film in the McConaissance Era

Semester: Football season

Instructor: Professor Matthew McConaughey — University of Texas alum, former visiting professor, Academy Award-winning actor, philosopher genius, and Southern historical figure

Department: Radio-TV-Film-Car-Commercials, Moody School of Communication

Office Hours: Time is a flat circle — Rustin Cohle/Matthew McConaughey/Nietzsche

Prerequisites:

  • Interest in film…

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