The Actual State of the Union
It’s the worst week in a very long time, people, and it’s only Wednesday
The state of our union is that it’s a fucking lost cause. This country is a broken airport toilet no one is coming to fix. And we are vacuum-sealed inside this sorry-ass state until there isn’t even a United States anymore.
That’s where we are. We are in hell, and we have been for four years now. Every week is more disgusting than the last. That goes for this week especially. It’s only Wednesday, man. It’s only Wednesday and yet look at everything that’s happened. The president used his State of the Union Address last night to play a little game of Who Owned Who with the speaker of the house, blowing off her handshake to the enthusiastic hooting from his legislative accomplices. In response, the speaker — the woman who impeached this same president — enacted a comprehensive agenda to prove that she was not a corncob, including this:
Somehow I live in a nation where the loftiest expectation right now is its people will not reelect Donald fucking Trump as president. And even that expectation is quickly becoming unreasonable because on Monday — again, somehow it’s only Wednesday — the opposition party couldn’t properly tally votes for a caucus it had four years to prepare for. And that caucuses’ delegate count was 71% “won” by a maximally cynical Harvard pull-toy who’s allergic to specifics and didn’t even get the majority of votes. I’m praying for an actually liberal Democratic president by the time 2021 arrives, and the party remains determined to instead nominate a glorified customer service rep who’s like, “We’re so sorry cancer made you bankrupt, but there’s nothing we can do. Now if you could stop swearing…” Oh, and militant liberals are already promising to Naderify the election if they don’t get their way.
What else? Oh, okay. Coronavirus is spreading. Rush fucking Limbaugh is gonna get the Presidential Medal of Freedom. The president pardoned a war-criminal sociopath who will absolutely kill again and who doxxed his fellow SEALs for daring to turn him in because they — men who are trained to be inured to horrific acts of violence — were themselves horrified by Eddie Gallagher’s acts of murderous sadism. The president also staged the assassination of an Iranian military leader as a little treat, planting a ticking time bomb that could go off next week or 20 years down the line. Either way, he doesn’t give a shit. It’s your nephew dying in the resulting Armageddon, not him.
Best of all, no one is left to report any of this! Dozens of major independent media outlets have been decimated by private equity. Local newspapers are either being shuttered or colonized by neofascist sympathizers. The two big national newspapers are scared to death of making racists angry. The biggest source of news for most Americans is a shit-eating goliath of a social network that has unofficially made Breitbart its primary source of content. The majority of long-read articles online are now tweetstorms. Everyone is a goddamn troll accusing other trolls of not being polite enough.
The state of our nation is that its people are a gigantic inconvenience to those in power and those with massive wealth.
The state of our nation is that your president would like everyone to have Flint, Michigan’s water supply. He’d like to pack the courts with unqualified shoe salesmen, and he has. He’d like to fuck your wife too while he’s at it. Oh, and he’d like to be acquitted for blatant acts of treason. Good news! That’s happening today: this shitty-ass Wednesday. Trump is beating the rap because he’s a five-tool idiot for every single Republican who knows that he’ll greenlight every single awful thing they want to do.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell knows this, which is why he deliberately engineered an impeachment “trial” that allowed exactly zero witnesses and zero evidence to be presented. If this were a just world, McConnell would die in prison. But it’s not a just world because McConnell is far too powerful to help make it one. You can scream at him all you like. He doesn’t care. You’re not even a person to him. That’s the state of our nation. The state of our nation is that its people are a gigantic inconvenience to those in power and those with massive wealth. They fucking hate you.
I would tell you to protest Trump’s acquittal today. I would tell you to congregate along the Mall in a show of force so that the world knows that not all of us are on board with this shit. I would go with you to this protest myself. But God, I’m so tired. I’m just exhausted. I can barely get out of bed, I’m so sick to death of the United States’ bullshit right now, and I know I’m not alone on that front. I just want this to be over. I want to know that there’s an end to this misery. In my wildest dreams, I think that maybe this is the bumpy start of a new, digital civilization and that we’ll all work this out somehow. But those dreams are wild for a reason. I just wanna be left the fuck alone and the United States refuses to do it. It’s beaten me. It’s beaten everyone. And there are tens of millions of huffy traitors littering this country who are more than happy to fire their guns in the air and brag about defeating all the snowflakes in their midst.
So that’s the state of our nation right now. I need a pill. Fuck Trump, fuck anyone who rides with him, and fuck anyone who isn’t willing to say otherwise. I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday.