Column

The Hater’s Guide to Joe Biden

The man is a living rerun, and we’ve seen this show way too many times already

Some people are supporters of Joe Biden. But many, many more people are NOT supporters of Joe Biden. This 2020 GEN magazine hater’s guide, the final in an already famed and illustrious series, is for those in the latter group.

Your candidate

The okayest boomer.

His résumé

Spent eight years as Vice President and would be a shoo-in for this nomination if his old boss, Barack Obama, had endorsed him already. Obama has not. Do you know how early Bill Clinton endorsed Al Gore back when Gore was running to succeed him? December 1999, well over a month before the 2000 Iowa caucuses. Gore would end up winning those caucuses in a predictable landslide, along with every single primary afterward. Biden, by contrast, will be lucky to beat out the fucking mayor of South Bend when the Iowa returns come in. Diamond Joe is on his own for this campaign. It’s been like watching someone throw a baby into a swimming pool.

There are a lot of reasons why Biden is sleepwalking his way toward defeat, but his record itself is more than damning enough on its own. You know the basics. The 1992 crime bill that Biden promised would “do everything but hang people for jaywalking.” Serving as Senate judiciary chair during Clarence Thomas’ confirmation hearings and leaving Anita Hill to twist and watching Thomas get confirmed and move on to serve as Antonin Scalia’s rubber stamp even after Scalia dropped dead. Offering a feeble apology to Hill — years and years after her life was ransacked — that Hill didn’t accept and wouldn’t even categorize as an apology. Voting for the Iraq war. Fighting against busing to help desegregate schools in the 1970s, and even courting segregationists to bolster his cause. You probably know about all of that.

But it gets worse. He lied about marching in the civil rights movement. He aborted a 1988 presidential run after he got caught plagiarizing a speech, Melania-style. And, of course, last year he said, without a hint of awareness or shame, “I just think there is a way, and the thing that will fundamentally change things is with Donald Trump out of the White House. Not a joke. You will see an epiphany occur among many of my Republican friends.” Biden exists in a brainspace where he both lies and also believes other lies in equal measure. PRETTY FUCKING SHITTY! When your campaign also doubles as a haphazard apology tour, you’re probably not doing well.

I’m like any other Twitter Liberal who accuses Republicans of saying the quiet part out loud. But Biden has a similarly nasty habit.

Also, his son is the world’s truest garbage son. Hunter Biden was gifted a job right out of college with MBNA, a predictably hideous banking concern operating out of the pyramid scheme of a state that is Delaware. MBNA just so happened to be one of the old man’s foremost donors, but that was hardly the last time Joe Biden laid down a primrose path for his kid. Hunter is also the key target dummy of Republicans in the Ukraine scandal. Joe Biden did nothing “illegal” by setting Hunter up for a no-show boardroom job at a Ukrainian energy conglomerate, but anyone with a moral compass knows it’s a pretty blatant display of nepotism. Does Joe Biden care about a global economic system where this kind of back-scratching to get his kid unearned dough is both legal and a moral afterthought? Of course not. He’s bringing us BACK, baby!

Finally, Hunter dated his brother’s widow, then cheated on that widow with a stripper, then got that woman pregnant, and then was ordered to pay child support to that woman after being a fucking deadbeat. Hunter Biden is the biggest piece of raw steak ever laid at the foot of Fox News headquarters.

Why he sucks

“No one’s standard of living will change, nothing would fundamentally change.” That’s Biden reassuring his wealthiest donors — and his donor list is VERY top-heavy — that if elected, they won’t have to worry about Big Gubmint raiding their coffers. There’s the nut of it. There’s the truth coming out right there. I’m like any other Twitter Liberal who accuses Republicans of saying the quiet part out loud. But Biden has a similarly nasty habit. His campaign has been less an inspiration than it has been a halogen-strength spotlight, illuminating how the Democratic establishment is owned and controlled by moneyed interests that have no desire to substantially change much of anything. Trump is ugly to them, but tolerable. Biden’s pitch is that he will be equally tolerable.

Biden isn’t just bringing this pitch, via Romney-style secret meetings, to Buckleyton Farnsworth IV and every other Big Pharma scion working his puppet strings. It’s also the message he wants voters to hear. He wants a reset. He wants to bring America BACK. He wants to pretend the Trump years never existed, and he wants everyone else to buy into this delusion with him. If you play along with Biden here, you believe that the times that came before Trump were just hunky-dory. And that’s true if you happen to be rich as shit, or if you don’t really mind that Trump is president RIGHT NOW, or if you’re a career politician like Joe Biden. If you’re Joe Biden, everything will be great if you get to just keep doing all of the shit you were already doing.

Hence, this man is a living rerun. If Biden wins the nomination, we’ll get to relive all of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 missteps all over again, complete with extended trail absences to fete donors, plus a threadbare scandal that will be effectively weaponized by Republicans whether that’s fair or not. We’ll also get to relive the worst failures of the Obama years, where faith in Republican cooperation was met with Mitch McConnell — the man who stole a Supreme Court seat and just diligently orchestrated an impeachment trial cover-up so fucking brazen that I want to pull my eyes out — spitting in everyone’s face. We’ll get to relive the days when a man could smell a random woman’s hair without asking! TREMENDOUS. We’ll get to relive the days when a head of state challenged voters to an IQ test. Joe Biden is a dinosaur scrambling to protect all the other dinosaurs, and it’s fucking pathetic. Never has one man so fully embodied “boomer” both literally and as an epithet.

And the worst part is that none of this concerns Joe Biden in the least. After literally being advised by his staff to avoid standing near people for fear that he’ll get too handsy, he STILL thinks he oozes enough grandpa charm to coast through this entire process. He’s even told people outright to go vote for other people. He won’t stop poking everyone in the chest! His staffers are getting drunken handjobs on planes because they don’t give a shit! Joe Biden: Fuck You He Doesn’t Even Need You™. You’d be doing more for society voting for the fucking Fixer Upper couple.

Why he’ll suck as president

In my stupidest dreams, Biden is performing a rope-a-dope on everyone. He’s playing the role of Sensible Moderate and openly daydreaming about having a Republican running mate, all so that well-to-do suburbanites and elderly racists fall for him. Then, he gets into office and BOOM! Turns out Joe was a progressive mole this whole time! He’s gonna take your guns and fund all your health care and install high-speed walkways from coast-to-coast!

But again, look at the résumé. If Biden beats out Bernie and Warren and Lil’ Biden, he’ll take that as validation for all of the hackneyed, conciliatory horseshit he’s already banked his campaign on. We will all be condemned to a black hole of legislative nothingness, led by a doddering old fool who thinks riding Amtrak means he’s one of you.

One unhateable thing

Watch Biden tear George Schultz a new asshole over Ronald Reagan’s South Africa policy back in the days of Apartheid:

THAT Joe Biden would make a good president. He also doesn’t exist anymore.

Columnist at GEN. Co-founder, Defector. Author of Point B.

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