The School of Pokémon Is in Session

My five-year-old’s obsession with anime monsters took over our life — and morphed into a homeschooling curriculum

Shortly before his preschool was canceled indefinitely, my five-year-old son contracted from a classmate a brain disease known as Pokémon. Transmitted virally, it affects mostly the young, though not exclusively. Symptoms include a profusion of yellow trading cards, vocalized yelps that can sound like “Pika! Pika!” or “Char! Char!” and a manic obsession with the moves and hit points of imaginary creatures who are constantly battling each other for no evident reason.

Like many dutiful parents suddenly faced with the prospect of homeschooling small children through the coronavirus lockdown, my spouse and I started out with high-minded notions of the type of education we would give him. Like many dutiful parents of small children who also work full-time, our grand plans took about three days to fall apart hilariously, completely, and permanently. We had less than half our attention, blunted by stress and exhaustion, to devote to trying to get him to do the things we wanted him to do. He had his full attention, boundless energy, and an array of behavioral weapons at his disposal to devote to getting us to do the things he wanted to do. Invariably, those things involved…