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The USA Is a Hormonal Teenager and We Should Treat It as Such
Come on, you were a mess back then too
There are several decades of my life that I would love to send sailing off a cliff into a fire pit of serpents, but perhaps none so galling as The Teenage Years. Do you remember how hellish this was? It was the only time in life when it was considered perfectly normal to exist in a state of constant confusion, pit sweat, and the scent of Victoria’s Secret body spray. I never knew if people liked me, hated me, or if I should even care about either option.
Nothing made sense and yet, everything felt so goddamn important. Trying to find the right thing to wear to a school dance was of equal significance as failing a calculus test, your parents getting divorced, or the fact that the boy you’re crushing on had the balls to wave to you from the dugout during a baseball game while the rest of his pals looked at him like he was nuts and spat sunflower seed husks on the floor.
Just me on that last one? Oh, right.
Given all of this angst and upheaval, I have a bit of compassion for the girl I was back then. Poor thing, she was prone to occasional crying and bitchiness, steady exhaustion, nicotine therapy, and pervasive horniness–sometimes all within the same hour. This is 100% normal for any teenager, as…
