We Should All Become Republicans
Just for a few months. And you don’t have to tell anyone.
There are times when your country demands a sacrifice so great, it will shape the rest of your life. Sometimes, it’s war. Sometimes, it’s jury duty. But now your country is asking you to do something much more horrifying.
You need to register as a Republican.
Even if you’ve voted Democrat your entire life. Even if you’re reading this on your iPhone while parking your Tesla at IKEA to buy a rain barrel to have polyamorous sex in.
You need to register as a Republican so you can vote in the GOP presidential primaries, which are the most important elections on the planet.
Extreme bipartisanship means that in general elections Republicans are going to vote for their nominee, no matter how crazy he is. It also makes all general elections close, which means they’re decided by low-information voters. Which means elections are tossups based on gas prices, television ads, and who was the most exciting on YouTube clips from the debates. Elections are now a tossup, and sometimes a Republican is going to win. So we all need to make sure the Republicans pick candidates who support democracy.
It doesn’t matter nearly as much who the Democrats pick in their primaries. They might…
