The Upside of Raising a ‘Rude’ Daughter

We still value girls’ etiquette over their comfort

Jessica Valenti
Published in
3 min readMar 3, 2020


A portrait of two young girls confidently standing together against a blue backdrop.
Photo: Klaus Vedfelt/DigitalVision/Getty Images

MyMy daughter hates to hurt people’s feelings. It’s one of the things I love most about her — she’s an incredibly sweet kid. But her desire not to make anyone feel bad can sometimes mean that she gets roped into playing games that she doesn’t have any interest in, or that she doesn’t stand up for herself when she should.

And so like a lot of parents of young girls, I’m trying to teach Layla how to say “no” without feeling like she’s a bad person or letting someone down. It’s harder than you think. Especially since everything around her reinforces the idea that girls need to be nice above all.

This week, for example, we found out that a middle school in Utah forces girls to dance with any boy who asks them — even if they have no desire to. Even if the boy has bothered them in the past.

A local mother, Alicia Hobson, complained about the policy on Facebook when her daughter was made to dance with a boy who had previously made sexual comments to her and generally made her feel uncomfortable.

“She should not have to stand close to him with his hands on her if she doesn’t want to. She has the right to say no to anyone for any reason or no reason,” Hobson wrote. “Her body is her body and if she doesn’t want to dance with someone, that’s her prerogative.”

Why does “kindness” so often mean making men and boys more comfortable at the expense of girls’ rights and desires?

The school, however, has stood its ground; in a letter to Hobson, the principal said that requiring kids to accept dance invitations “is the nice thing to do and this will continue to be our policy.”

Another school in Utah came under fire in 2018 for the same reason; in that instance, a school spokesperson responded, “We want to promote kindness, and so we want you to say yes when someone asks you to dance.”

But “niceness” to whom? And why does “kindness” so often mean making men and boys more comfortable at the expense of girls’ rights and desires? Yes, the policy is gender-neutral, but who tends to do…



Jessica Valenti
Writer for

Feminist author & columnist. Native NYer, pasta enthusiast.