GEN

A former publication from Medium about politics, power, and culture. Currently inactive and not taking submissions.

Follow publication

When Jeffrey Epstein Is Your Name-esis

The Jeffrey Epsteins of the world are done with explaining: I’m not that Jeffrey Epstein

Lauren Larson
GEN
Published in
6 min readSep 23, 2019

Illustration: Rose Wong

“When you besmirch your own name, you besmirch the names of all who share’t.”

— A guy who was also named Judas, circa 33 A.D.

IfIf you’ve ever Googled yourself, you probably know some details about your name-esis. I keep pretty close tabs on mine. She’s the frontwoman of a cool band in Austin. I bear a passing resemblance to her — enough that when I set a picture of her as my Facebook photo, most of my acquaintances thought it was me. (My heart hardened forever toward one woman who commented, “That’s such a great pic of you! Love it!”) This other Lauren Larson has bested me in many areas: She has a baby and fantastic bangs, she’s better at music, and she’s thinner than I am. If we’d gone to high school together, I imagine she would have been the kind of popular girl who is so nice you can’t even resent her for her popularity. She’s a good name-esis: I have spent the past decade trying to earn enough recognition to knock her down a peg in our Google search results. She has brought honor on us all, and I hope to do the same.

Dr. Jeffrey S. Epstein, a hair transplant specialist and facial plastic surgeon in Florida, was not so blessed. His name-esis has brought over a decade of shame on the other Jeffrey Epsteins, since June of 2008, when he was sentenced to 18 months in jail for soliciting prostitution from underage girls.

After Epstein was arrested for sex-trafficking charges in early July, Dr. Jeffrey S. Epstein had wartime flashbacks to 2008. He told his front office to hunker down against the inevitable calls and emails. He, too, shares some features with his name-esis: He has the silvery hair, the dark brows, and the taut Florida je ne sais quoi. It’s a glancing resemblance, but similar enough to invite accusatory phone calls from strangers. It’s not like they’re the sort of people willing to do more than glancing research before they pick up the phone, anyway.

“Even some of my prior patients got confused,” he says. “‘Doc, are you really a billionaire who lives in Palm Beach?’” He says that easily 50 people have made comments in recent months. When his 20-year-old daughter borrowed his…

Create an account to read the full story.

The author made this story available to Medium members only.
If you’re new to Medium, create a new account to read this story on us.

Or, continue in mobile web

Already have an account? Sign in

GEN
GEN

Published in GEN

A former publication from Medium about politics, power, and culture. Currently inactive and not taking submissions.

Lauren Larson
Lauren Larson

Written by Lauren Larson

Gossip-at-large. Writing in GQ, Men’s Health, Allure, Bon Appétit, here, there, everywhere

Responses (1)

Write a response

I am not the race car driver from Alabama… But it was shocking to find all the others on Facebook.
I screwed up in reading the headline also. I read Weinstein instead of Epstein. Except that wasn’t what really happened. I saw Brett and Eric in my…