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A Message to the Class of 2020: Please Destroy the World
It’s not the graduation speech they’ll get, but it’s the one they deserve
Oh, hello there, graduates! What a day for you! Out here in the center of this beautiful quad, in your caps and gowns, surrounded by both your family and your classmates, ready to walk onto the stage when your name is called to receive your diploma and finish your career as a student before heading out into this great big, bustling world…
I’m just kidding. You’re not getting any of that. You’re graduating via Zoom. Your diploma arrived in the mail three weeks ago. You also got a collection notice for your student debt interest, likely the first of many! Such a proud moment. MY BABY IS ALL GROWN UP NOW.
I would tell you that you are probably the final college class of American history, but really, the class of 2019 beat you to that distinction. They got the ceremony. They got to finish out senior year on campus, with their friends and teachers. They got to rent a beach house for Senior Week and throw up on Jenny’s bed. They got the full college experience. You got the Arby’s drive-thru senior year, with nothing in the way of a discount. You got fucked.
