Coronavirus Made a Big Mistake Invading the Greatest Goddamn Country on Earth
If the ’rona didn’t want a roundhouse kick to the face, it should have stayed the eff out of ‘Merica
Listen folks, I’m not here to sugarcoat things. This coronavirus has already robbed many of us of our lives, our jobs, our life savings, and even our baseball. This virus is the enemy. It is its own axis of evil. It has invaded our shores and plundered. It has declared war on every LEGALLY BORN citizen of the United States.
Well guess what, ’rona? You just fucked with the wrong country. Because these colors? They don’t run. Not even on a mask. If it’s war you want, then by God it’s war you’re gonna get. And all of us are ready to take you on. We aren’t afraid to get our hands dirty this time around. No sir. We’re gonna get our hands dirty and smelly and sweaty, and then we’re gonna wrap those hands around your sorry little neck! A lot of countries are scared of you, ’rona. They flee to their houses, and they hide, and they hope you’ll go away. That’s just what you expect, isn’t it? You don’t expect a country to take you on MAN TO VIRUS. But this country will.
We’ll fight this virus with our bare hands if we have to. We will hold the virus down and choke it for a duration of 20 seconds or longer. We’ll breathe right in its face. We’ll drool a long strand of slob down into its face. HOW YOU LIKE THAT, ’RONA? Bet you didn’t expect to be the one to get infected! Well, today’s your lucky day, fucker. Because you’re about to experience the symptoms that typically accompany a nasty case of GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED.
Because these colors? They don’t run. Not even on a mask.
And we’re gonna kick your ass our way. You are our middle finger’s dream come true. We’re not gonna test everyone and contact trace everyone like other countries, leaving ourselves on the slippery slope to ultracommunism. We’re not gonna forbid talking in our grocery stores like the cowardly Germans have. My nana wants her 10 minutes to catch up with the cashier before whipping out her checkbook, and she’s gonna get it. And we’re gonna take responsibility when things don’t go our way. Not like…