Column
Jesus Christ Do I Miss Sports
Now more than ever, I need athletes to go places and do cool things so that I might live vicariously through them
There are still no sports on. I’m aware that we’re merely at the beginning of an extended sports blackout and that the lack of televised sports right now is piddly shit compared to five figure body counts, millions of lost jobs, and watching the economy burn to a crisp in real time.
But, holy fuck, if sports don’t come back soon I will take a header off the American Legion Bridge. The NCAA tourney final was supposed to be April 6. Obviously I’m relieved that I don’t have to see Duke win anything for any reason, but the first weekend of the tourney is the best weekend in sports every year and also doubles as an unofficial welcome to spring. I didn’t get any of that. Is it spring yet? No one is drinking beer on a bar rooftop—I can’t fucking tell!
The Masters was supposed to start tomorrow, with Tiger Woods defending his title after staging one of the greatest existential comebacks in sports history a year ago. But Augusta National — whose leaders would normally rather watch their own grandchildren die in front of them than alter any of their hallowed traditions — postponed the tournament. Of all the sports that could…
