Column
Let Us Now Praise the Dad Stance
Warning: This post contains dad jokes. Because it’s almost Father’s Day, kids.
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I am a father of three and, like all other dads throughout world history, I am hard-wired by Mother Nature to humiliate my children at every conceivable turn. I don’t have to say anything to accomplish this. I don’t have to start up a conversation about “the TikTok” when my daughter has a friend over for a socially distant hang. I don’t have to walk into the TV room during a kissing scene and shout out “WHATCHA WATCHIN’, A PORNO MOVIE?!” I don’t have to ask them if they have a crush. All I have to do is stand there and assume a proper Dad Stance. Allow NFL owner Dan Snyder, who was allowed to breed for reasons unknown to the rest of mankind, to demonstrate the stance in question:
See now, that’s perfect. Look at Snyder’s form. He’s got his hands on his hips, which is key. Why, he’s downright pinching those hips, clinging to them as tightly as he does his team’s racist-ass nickname. Men don’t have hips, but that has NEVER stopped any dad from resting his hands upon them, as if he’s gazing upon dry land from the prow of the Santa Maria. Ideally, your hands are actually resting ABOVE your hips, as Snyder is doing in the photo up above. Because really, why have love handles if you’re not gonna use them for support? Again, this is Mother Nature at work.
Another key is to arch your back while assuming the Dad Stance. This helps address your back problems — which all dads have — by violently overcorrecting your posture for roughly 30 seconds. PRESTO! No more scoliosis for you! Also, it gives you a chance to stick your beer gut out for all to see. You worked hard for that gut. You are a BLOB CREATOR. It’s only right that you be allowed to brandish a pot belly that looks like a freshly inflated beach ball.
Why have love handles if you’re not gonna use them for support? Again, this is Mother Nature at work.
