Column

The Following Things Should Be Virtual Forever

The Democratic National Convention is just one example of things better experienced at a remove

Senator Kamala Harris speaks via Zoom during a Women for Biden event on May 21, 2020. Photo: The Washington Post/Getty Images

There’s no actual Democratic National Convention taking place this week and I couldn’t be happier. To prevent the spread of Covid-19, Democrats and (shockingly) Republicans have decided to stage the bulk of their respective conventions virtually. I promise you that, even when you include The 2020 Factor, this will be the best summer of conventions you ever have to endure. No endless clapping every time a speaker pauses to take a breath. No toothy delegates in boater hats who look like they stepped off of a dollar bill. No Republicans singing in unison… SHUDDER… to “Sweet Caroline.” We’re free from all that dime-store pageantry this year.

We should be free from it EVERY election year, in fact. To that end, I have devised a list of things that should be virtual from here on out. This is the year we discovered what is truly ESSENTIAL in America (Restaurants and restaurant workers! Delivery workers! Nurses! The mail!) and what is not (The police!). So consider this a definitive list of what can be jettisoned once we all see each other on the other side of the virus.

• Political conventions. A major party hasn’t held a brokered convention in America since 1952. Since then, these conventions have transitioned from being necessary off-sites where the major parties select their candidates to being week-long infomercials. We know who the candidates will be. We know there’ll be an anodyne THEME to the proceedings. In the case of the Democrats, this week’s theme is “Uniting America,” which sounds like something Mayor Pete wrote down on a Post-it and then did a little fist pump over when he saw it. We know that we’re gonna have to endure a parade of uncharismatic opening act speakers (Amy Klobuchar tonight) before we get the headliners (Michelle Obama an hour-plus later). Do we NEED any of this shit to take place in person, at The NBA Arena With An Open Calendar Of Your Choice? Reader, we do not. In fact…
• ALL conventions. Get rid of all of them! Take it from someone who’s been to Comic-Con. Three times, no less. We don’t need Comic-Con. Every fucking day on the internet is Comic-Con now…