Drew Magary

The Hater’s Guide to Mayor Pete

Pete Buttigieg has campaigned on a pledge to build unity. That’s just a pledge to do nothing.

Credit: Scott Olson/Getty

You know, at least Sarah Palin had the common courtesy to run an entire state before pretending she was a figure of national importance. That hasn’t been the case with fellow small-town mayor Pete Buttigieg, who has become the ascendant moderate in the Democratic primary race after butting into third place in Iowa caucus polling and giving a speech at the Liberty and Justice dinner in Iowa that, inevitably, stirred the souls of every Never Socialist currently operating in mainstream political punditry. Here’s a money quote from Buttigieg’s speech that surely got Chris Cillizza’s glasses steaming with ecstasy:

“I will not waver from my commitment to our values or back down from the boldness of our ideas…”

BUT…?

“…but I also will not tire from the effort to include everyone in this future we are trying to build — progressives, moderates, and Republicans of conscience who are ready for change. The time has come.”

That’s a telling quote because you believe it only if you’re a fucking sap. You believe that you can enact bold ideas but still get everyone to go along with them. You believe that there are “Republicans of conscience,” and that there are a lot of them. Just an army of Mitt Romneys out there waiting for permission to turn brave. You believe that all it takes for every American to coexist in harmony is for a swell guy like Mayor Pete to come along and tell them all to be nice. This is all bullshit pandering.

But it’s very attractive bullshit pandering, and it has perhaps no more attractive a courier than Pete Buttigieg, who can attribute his fabled momentum in Iowa to a number of superficial factors. He’s a genial white guy. He’s a former troop. He’s from the Midwest, which has long fashioned itself as the official headquarters of REAL AMERICA. He can break out into spontaneous fits of Finnish and Arabic. He’s not as old and confused as Joe Biden and he’s not as SCARY nor as RADICAL as Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. The latter quality is crucial, and something Buttigieg has taken to pushing with all the Midwestern passive aggression he…