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Drew Magary
Yes, I Am a Capitalist
I can act reluctant about it, but I am what I am — and I know it’s a problem
For a long time I quietly labored under the pretense that I voted liberally but lived conservatively. I may cry out on this website for free health care and for soaking the rich and for Meghan McCain to be placed in a catapult bucket and launched to the fucking moon. But I also live in the burbs. In a two-parent house. In an affluent school district. When my county bandies about the idea of redistricting, my asshole gets tight. My wife dropped out of the workforce to help care for the kids when they were born and only returned to work a year ago. I am traditional in the weakest sense of the word.
I have fired guns and enjoyed it. I don’t give enough to charity. Come early spring, I open up TurboTax and try to exploit every conceivable loophole in the tax code that can be exploited. And I never deliberately overpay taxes for the sake of the greater good. I use Twitter to yell at people, making me partly responsible for why Twitter is a fucking sewer. I use Google even though I know Google is using my deepest and darkest and most private information to design the robots that will one day kill me. Sometimes I throw out plastic bags because I’m too lazy to stuff them into the recycling bag of bags we have hanging in the closet. I tell my kids not to swear even though I do it all the time. My car is not electric. My house’s power is not solar. I want to give my money to my kids when I die so they can have enough money to go make more of it. I am a professional hypocrite, and what is conservatism but professional hypocrisy?
But I don’t quite have my hypocrisy straight. I’m not all that conservative. I rarely go to church, if ever. I fucking hate country music. Mike Huckabee does not make me laugh. I’m fine with gay people, and women, and black people, and immigrants, and even Kathy Griffin. I am not… ugh… virtue signaling when I say this shit. I hate country music because I really do hate it. So my hypocrisy doesn’t come from the fact that I’m a closeted Republican.
It’s because I’m a capitalist.
I am a capitalist, through and through. I like money. I want more of it. I like making it and I like buying shit with it. I’m…
