Column

The Hater’s Guide to Elizabeth Warren

She had a plan for everything except backpedaling on her biggest, boldest plan

Drew Magary
GEN
Published in
5 min readJan 30, 2020

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Photo Source: Scott Olson/Getty Images

Some people are supporters of Elizabeth Warren. But many, many more people are NOT supporters of Elizabeth Warren. This 2020 GEN hater’s guide, the fifth in an already famed and illustrious series, is for those in the latter group.

Your candidate

Hermione Granger, if Hermione Granger lied about having Muggle ancestry.

Her résumé

Junior senator from Massachusetts. Inevitable runner-up in the Democrats Who Are Actually Democrats sector of the primary. Patriots fan. GUHHHHHHHHH. You grew up in Oklahoma, Elizabeth Warren! Being a Sooners fan is PLENTY evil already. There’s no need to ingratiate yourself with a somehow even worse fan base.

Sorry. Got off track there for a moment. Let’s go through Warren’s résumé for a moment, because hers is the kind of track record that makes her almost overqualified to become president. Can’t think of any other past candidate like that, no, I cannot! Anyway, Warren started off as a special needs teacher. Then she became a bankruptcy lawyer, a consumer advocate, and a professor at Harvard. You know the old saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions? Harvard is ground zero for those intentions. We should seize its endowment and turn all of its buildings into free community food halls. My vision? Breakfast tacos ANYTIME FOR ANYONE.

Warren is famous for her blunt honesty, so when she’s reticent about shit like this, it’s like she peed in a swimming pool that contains the mythic urine-triggered dye.

As senator, Warren founded the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, which has been summarily gutted by the Trump administration because the CFPB has the audacity to be a government agency that actually helps everyday citizens. And Warren would have been appointed to run that agency, except that President Obama — displaying a patented brand of timidity-disguised-as-strategy that would horribly mar the final six years of his tenure in office — passed her

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Drew Magary
GEN
Writer for

Columnist at GEN. Co-founder, Defector. Author of Point B.