Column
Your Leaders Want Sports Back, But Not Because They Like Sports
Nothing says ‘See? Normal!’ like ‘Football Night in America’
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It’s no secret that I am horny for sports right now. Live sports. Not sports documentaries. Not off-season sports transactions. Not sports reruns. Not WWE matches staged in Vince McMahon’s steroid locker. I want the primo, uncut shit, and I have been willing to stay up well past the onset of clinical depression to get what I need. Thankfully, the brave and noble leaders of North American sports have seen my horniness — and definitely only mine — and feverishly labored to bring back Major League Baseball, the NFL, and even the NBA before the end of the year. Shit, even COLLEGE sports might come back if WVU president Gordon Gee gets his way…
Are you surprised a man with the last name of Gee wears a bowtie? Reader, you are not. Are you surprised that Gee, who once earned more than $6 million in a single year presiding over that bastion of morals that is Ohio State, would have questionable judgment? Again, you are not. Regardless — and you will find fewer regards in this tale than anywhere else — the American sports culture is starting to register spikes on its EKG, which could soon grow into a steady pulse. NFL team facilities are opening back up this week on a limited basis. Tom Brady is working out with teammates and presumably feeding them distilled lingonberry juice to make them immune to the virus. Baseball is proposing a plan for returning to play so detailed that it could have been devised by Angela Merkel. And a shitload of governors — including face-turn governors like Andrew Cuomo — have encouraged sports to come back out of the ground and announce that they have cast no shadow.
