Column
Your Leaders Want Sports Back, But Not Because They Like Sports
Nothing says ‘See? Normal!’ like ‘Football Night in America’
It’s no secret that I am horny for sports right now. Live sports. Not sports documentaries. Not off-season sports transactions. Not sports reruns. Not WWE matches staged in Vince McMahon’s steroid locker. I want the primo, uncut shit, and I have been willing to stay up well past the onset of clinical depression to get what I need. Thankfully, the brave and noble leaders of North American sports have seen my horniness — and definitely only mine — and feverishly labored to bring back Major League Baseball, the NFL, and even the NBA before the end of the year. Shit, even COLLEGE sports might come back if WVU president Gordon Gee gets his way…
Are you surprised a man with the last name of Gee wears a bowtie? Reader, you are not. Are you surprised that Gee, who once earned more than $6 million in a single year presiding over that bastion of morals that is Ohio State, would have questionable judgment? Again, you are not…
